Fan-Fiction: Rise of Yellow Awesomeness

“War was beginning in China… a rebellion was the start of the story of the war between three kingdoms.”

Zhang Jiao: We shall start a rebellion to begin the story of the three kingdoms! Yeah!

“The Yellow Turbans —”

Zhang Jiao: Scarves!

“The Yellow Scarves —”

Zhang Jiao: Wait! I liked Turbans better.

“…The Yellow Turbans —”

Zhang Jiao: No… Scarves definitely sound better.

“…The Yellow Scarves —”

Zhang Jiao: You know what… why don’t we just choose something else? I mean, who uses scarves? How about… Yellow Awesomeness!

“…Erm, sure. The Yellow Awesomeness started a rebellion. Their leader, Zhang Jue —”

Zhang Jiao: Wait! Why am I called Zhang Jue?

“It’s your name, dumbass.”

Zhang Jiao: No no no… the people at Koei called me Zhang Jiao. People may get confused if they hear me referred to as Zhang Jue.

“…Like the DW4 n00bs?”

Zhang Jiao: Exactly!

“…Fine. Anyway, the Yellow Awesomeness leader, Zhang Jiao, along with his brothers started getting many followers to join them.”

Zhang Jiao: Everyone! You can leave your drab lives and join the Yellow Awesomeness rebellion!

Peasants: …Who cares? Our lives are good enough.

Zhang Jiao: …No they aren’t! If you don’t join us then, errr… God will ruin your crops… and… and burn down your houses and… errr… rape and kill your wives!

Zhang Bao: And children!

*Zhang Jiao and Liang stare at Zhang Bao*

Zhang Bao: …Just the boys.

*Zhang Jiao and Liang keep staring*

Peasants: No he won’t! Stupid wannabe mystic bastard… God wouldn’t do any of those things!

Zhang Jiao: You shall regret this! Come my brothers!

“So that night, their crops were burnt and their wives were raped and killed… so were the boys.”

Peasants: Zhang Jiao! We apologize for not believing in you, oh mystic one! We shall join your rebellion!

Zhang Jiao: Excellent! Welcome to the Yellow—

Zhang Bao: Bring the boys too! We’ll have a party!

Zhang Jiao: Ok, brother Bao… just no, alright?

Zhang Bao: …But I have Elton John’s best hits.

Zhang Jiao: We know, we know…

Peasants: Will we get to see magic though!? We wanna see magic!

Zhang Jiao: …Wasn’t it enough that we—

*Zhang Liang whispers something into Zhang Jiao’s ear*

Zhang Jiao: I mean, that God did all those horrible deeds?

Peasants: But… if you really were followers of God, couldn’t you do magic?

Zhang Jiao: You dare deny that we are truly mystic followers of god!?

Peasants: …Yeah.

Zhang Jiao: …Errr, well, come back tonight. The Zhang brothers shall show you the power of our maaaaaagic!

Peasants: w00t! Magic! Yeeeeeah!

*The peasants disperse and the Zhang brothers huddle.*

Zhang Liang: …You do know we can’t do any magic, right?

Zhang Bao: I could show the boys my magic… in bed.

Zhang Jiao: …Quit talking brother, please. To be honest, you weird me and Liang out. We only brought you with us because mom said to.

Zhang Bao: …Is that true?

Zhang Liang: Well yeah… What did you expect? You are a little *cough* odd… to say the least.

Zhang Bao: Do you guys know how much that hurts?

Zhang Jiao: Ok ok, look… can we just start thinking of an idea?

Zhang Bao: …Does it involve the molestation of small boys?

Zhang Jiao: …Who wants to vote out Zhang Bao? Aye!

Zhang Liang: Aye!

Zhang Bao: …Nay?

Zhang Jiao: Oop, two against one. You may apply to be the next Zhang brother at a later date. Good bye.

Zhang Bao: …I’m telling mom!

*Zhang Bao runs away crying while Jiao and Liang discuss.*

“Later that night…”

Zhang Jiao: Now… are you sure that everything is going to work?

Zhang Liang: Of course. These simpletons won’t suspect a thing!

Zhang Jiao: Excellent…

*Zhang Jiao steps out from the curtains to the audience of peasants cheering.*

Zhang Jiao: My people! We have got some treat for you… I will float in the air.

*Gasps and awes from the audience.*

Zhang Jiao: While spraying fire from my mouth!

Audience: Ooooooh!

Zhang Jiao: Over a pit of spikes!

Audience: WE LOVE YOU ZHANG JIAO!

Zhang Jiao: Now watch in awe! …WATCH IN AWE! …WATCH IN ****ING AWE!

Zhang Liang: Sorry! Errr… chirp!

*Zhang Jiao takes a swig of alcohol as Zhang Liang starts to use a fishing rod and fishing lines to pull up Zhang Jiao from the top of the stage. Slowly, a pit of spikes is revealed below them. The audience gasps and awes. Suddenly, Zhang Bao comes to the top of the stage.*

Zhang Bao: Brother Liang… I came to say I was sorry.

Zhang Liang: Err… this isn’t a good time!

Zhang Bao: No… I was thinking, maybe some of my obsessions are a little odd. Maybe I could try to tone them down a little.

Zhang Liang: That’s… nice… Zhang Jiao is heavy… Help me pull him up!

Zhang Bao: Please brother… My therapist told me that hugs help all relationships.

Zhang Liang: DON’T YOU DARE!

Zhang Bao: Brother! Don’t deny our brotherly love!

*Zhang Jiao covers his mouth and takes a lighter to it. It catches on his beard and seconds later, his whole body goes up in flames.*

Zhang Jiao: AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*Zhang Bao hugs Zhang Liang and he drops the fishing rod so Zhang Jiao falls onto the spikes, not moving.*

Zhang Liang: OH MY GOD! YOU FLAMING IDIOT!

Zhang Bao: What? WHAT!?

*Zhang Liang and Zhang Bao look over from the top seeing a motionless ball of fire impaled on the spikes. The audience stares with their mouths dropped at the happenings.*

Zhang Liang: …Aaah. Ta da?

*The audience starts to cheer and gives them a standing ovation. Zhang Liang and Bao look at each other in surprise and then go down to get medical help for their brother.*

“That is how the Yellow Awesomeness got their followers. Somehow Zhang Jiao lived… don’t ask because the authors don’t even know either. And the story of Three Kingdoms has started.”