“War was beginning in China… a rebellion was the start of the story of the war between three kingdoms.”
Zhang Jiao: We shall start a rebellion to begin the story of the three kingdoms! Yeah!
“The Yellow Turbans —”
Zhang Jiao: Scarves!
“The Yellow Scarves —”
Zhang Jiao: Wait! I liked Turbans better.
“…The Yellow Turbans —”
Zhang Jiao: No… Scarves definitely sound better.
“…The Yellow Scarves —”
Zhang Jiao: You know what… why don’t we just choose something else? I mean, who uses scarves? How about… Yellow Awesomeness!
“…Erm, sure. The Yellow Awesomeness started a rebellion. Their leader, Zhang Jue —”
Zhang Jiao: Wait! Why am I called Zhang Jue?
“It’s your name, dumbass.”
Zhang Jiao: No no no… the people at Koei called me Zhang Jiao. People may get confused if they hear me referred to as Zhang Jue.
“…Like the DW4 n00bs?”
Zhang Jiao: Exactly!
“…Fine. Anyway, the Yellow Awesomeness leader, Zhang Jiao, along with his brothers started getting many followers to join them.”
Zhang Jiao: Everyone! You can leave your drab lives and join the Yellow Awesomeness rebellion!
Peasants: …Who cares? Our lives are good enough.
Zhang Jiao: …No they aren’t! If you don’t join us then, errr… God will ruin your crops… and… and burn down your houses and… errr… rape and kill your wives!
Zhang Bao: And children!
*Zhang Jiao and Liang stare at Zhang Bao*
Zhang Bao: …Just the boys.
*Zhang Jiao and Liang keep staring*
Peasants: No he won’t! Stupid wannabe mystic bastard… God wouldn’t do any of those things!
Zhang Jiao: You shall regret this! Come my brothers!
“So that night, their crops were burnt and their wives were raped and killed… so were the boys.”
Peasants: Zhang Jiao! We apologize for not believing in you, oh mystic one! We shall join your rebellion!
Zhang Jiao: Excellent! Welcome to the Yellow—
Zhang Bao: Bring the boys too! We’ll have a party!
Zhang Jiao: Ok, brother Bao… just no, alright?
Zhang Bao: …But I have Elton John’s best hits.
Zhang Jiao: We know, we know…
Peasants: Will we get to see magic though!? We wanna see magic!
Zhang Jiao: …Wasn’t it enough that we—
*Zhang Liang whispers something into Zhang Jiao’s ear*
Zhang Jiao: I mean, that God did all those horrible deeds?
Peasants: But… if you really were followers of God, couldn’t you do magic?
Zhang Jiao: You dare deny that we are truly mystic followers of god!?
Zhang Jiao: …Errr, well, come back tonight. The Zhang brothers shall show you the power of our maaaaaagic!
Peasants: w00t! Magic! Yeeeeeah!
*The peasants disperse and the Zhang brothers huddle.*
Zhang Liang: …You do know we can’t do any magic, right?
Zhang Bao: I could show the boys my magic… in bed.
Zhang Jiao: …Quit talking brother, please. To be honest, you weird me and Liang out. We only brought you with us because mom said to.
Zhang Bao: …Is that true?
Zhang Liang: Well yeah… What did you expect? You are a little *cough* odd… to say the least.
Zhang Bao: Do you guys know how much that hurts?
Zhang Jiao: Ok ok, look… can we just start thinking of an idea?
Zhang Bao: …Does it involve the molestation of small boys?
Zhang Jiao: …Who wants to vote out Zhang Bao? Aye!
Zhang Liang: Aye!
Zhang Bao: …Nay?
Zhang Jiao: Oop, two against one. You may apply to be the next Zhang brother at a later date. Good bye.
Zhang Bao: …I’m telling mom!
*Zhang Bao runs away crying while Jiao and Liang discuss.*
“Later that night…”
Zhang Jiao: Now… are you sure that everything is going to work?
Zhang Liang: Of course. These simpletons won’t suspect a thing!
Zhang Jiao: Excellent…
*Zhang Jiao steps out from the curtains to the audience of peasants cheering.*
Zhang Jiao: My people! We have got some treat for you… I will float in the air.
*Gasps and awes from the audience.*
Zhang Jiao: While spraying fire from my mouth!
Zhang Jiao: Over a pit of spikes!
Audience: WE LOVE YOU ZHANG JIAO!
Zhang Jiao: Now watch in awe! …WATCH IN AWE! …WATCH IN ****ING AWE!
Zhang Liang: Sorry! Errr… chirp!
*Zhang Jiao takes a swig of alcohol as Zhang Liang starts to use a fishing rod and fishing lines to pull up Zhang Jiao from the top of the stage. Slowly, a pit of spikes is revealed below them. The audience gasps and awes. Suddenly, Zhang Bao comes to the top of the stage.*
Zhang Bao: Brother Liang… I came to say I was sorry.
Zhang Liang: Err… this isn’t a good time!
Zhang Bao: No… I was thinking, maybe some of my obsessions are a little odd. Maybe I could try to tone them down a little.
Zhang Liang: That’s… nice… Zhang Jiao is heavy… Help me pull him up!
Zhang Bao: Please brother… My therapist told me that hugs help all relationships.
Zhang Liang: DON’T YOU DARE!
Zhang Bao: Brother! Don’t deny our brotherly love!
*Zhang Jiao covers his mouth and takes a lighter to it. It catches on his beard and seconds later, his whole body goes up in flames.*
Zhang Jiao: AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*Zhang Bao hugs Zhang Liang and he drops the fishing rod so Zhang Jiao falls onto the spikes, not moving.*
Zhang Liang: OH MY GOD! YOU FLAMING IDIOT!
Zhang Bao: What? WHAT!?
*Zhang Liang and Zhang Bao look over from the top seeing a motionless ball of fire impaled on the spikes. The audience stares with their mouths dropped at the happenings.*
Zhang Liang: …Aaah. Ta da?
*The audience starts to cheer and gives them a standing ovation. Zhang Liang and Bao look at each other in surprise and then go down to get medical help for their brother.*
“That is how the Yellow Awesomeness got their followers. Somehow Zhang Jiao lived… don’t ask because the authors don’t even know either. And the story of Three Kingdoms has started.”
Copyright © 2004 ZhangJunyi & Mingdi