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Fate of a Rebel, A Destiny of an Emperor Parody

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A Destiny of an Emperor parody by Taishi Ci 2.0. Follow Liu Bei, brothers Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, and his band of dysfunctional followers including Song Yong, Song Ren, and Huo Hu, master of ‘powders’, as they battle the other warlords of China to restore the Han Dynasty.

Scene 27: Yuan Shao’s Domain

At Jizhou...

Yuan Shao:
Ah, it’s good to be home again. I had to waste all that time marching for nothing.

Yuan Shu:
Hey, you’ve got me, don’t you?

Yuan Shao:
I consider you less than nothing.

Yuan Shu:
How dare you! I am the great Lord Yuan Shu!

Yuan Shao:
Look, you’re in my domain now, so shut your mouth and go to your room.

Yuan Shu:
Bah, I’ll get you for this. Just you wait...

Yuan Shao:
Sigh... I need something to eat. One of you fetch me a spoon.

Guo Tu:
As you wish, sir. Here you go.

Yuan Shao:
Thanks... Hey, didn’t I order you executed?

Guo Tu:
Yes. Yes you did.

Yuan Shao:
...

Guo Tu:
...

Yuan Shao:
Remind me to fire my executioners. In the meantime, someone get me some cereal.

Ju Shou:
I’m afraid we’re out of cereal, sir.

Yuan Shao:
What!? How could we have run out already?

Shen Pei:
I’m afraid that while you were out with the army, Yuan Shang ate all the cereal.

Yuan Shang:
It’s not my fault you never have anything else to eat. I was hungry.

Yuan Shao:
My culinary selections are none of your business! Now get out of here, and don’t come back until you get some more cereal! Preferably Corn Pops.

Yuan Shang:
What are Corn Pops?

Yuan Shao:
Just go!

Yuan Shang:
Fine, fine...

Yuan Shao:
What a day. At least things can’t get any worse.

Meanwhile, back at Nan Yang...

Liu Bei:
So I want you to invade Yuan Shao’s land now.

Wang Gui:
Another invasion? I say, this story needs new writers.

Guan Ping:
It does seem like we’re just doing the same thing over and over again, doesn’t it?

Liu Bei:
Hush. For once, I want to be the invading conquerer. Besides, Yuan Shu still has the Imperial Seal, which is rapidly becoming the MacGuffin of this story, and we need to get it back.

Guan Yu:
How do you propose we attack Yuan Shao? Isn’t he even stronger than the foes we’ve faced thus far?

Liu Bei:
That’s right. Yuan Shao’s army has unparalled strength, plus we lost Lu Bu. A frontal assault would be suicide.

Song Yong:
What about that army I single-handidly held back the other day?

Song Ren:
I’m still convinced you’re making that up.

Song Yong:
I’m telling the truth! I even have the battle scars to prove it!

Liu Bei:
Song Yong, stop making things up or I’m doing to dock your pay.

Huo Hu:
You pay us?

Liu Bei:
Let’s not get off topic. The important thing, I’ve contacted a man on the inside to help with your invasion of Yuan Shao’s land. He knows the secret to defeating Yuan Shao. You’re supposed to meet with him in a cave to the north of here.

Song Ren:
Does secret agent man have a name?

Liu Bei:
He didn’t say what his name was, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find him. I mean, how many people do you know that hang out in caves?

Liu Feng:
What about those two?

Guan Ping & Yang Jin:
What?

Liu Bei:
Quit making excuses and move out! No more slacking off.

Zhang Fei:
...

Liu Bei:
And for Heaven’s sake, someone get Zhang Fei to snap out of it.

Later, in the frigid northlands of Yuan Shao’s domain...

Guan Yu:
So, who wants to look for this cave we need to find?

Liu Feng:
Count me out. I’m no spelunker.

Huo Hu:
Why don’t we just make Song Yong do it? He seems like the best candidate.

Song Ren:
I wouldn’t trust Song Yong to handle a mission of this importance, though. Or any mission.

Song Yong:
Well then, let’s both go! I bet I can find this guy pretty quick.

Guan Yu:
Fine, we’ll send you two while the rest of us set up a camp for the next invasion. No sense in sending everyone.

Song Ren:
Bah, what a chore. Oh well, at least it’s just a cave.

Yang Jin:
D’arr, I’ll be going with ye too, lads! There’s no pirate that knows a cave like me!

Zhang Fei:
It might help if you just stopped talking.

Song Ren:
...

Inside the hole in the earth...

Yang Jin:
I wonder why this landlubber wants to parley inside a cave? Methinks he must be a man of low morals!

Song Yong:
Or maybe he’s a famous person who’s hiding from a jilted lover!

Song Ren:
It’s like a bad dream I can’t escape from.

Yang Jin:
Halt! There be two paths up ahead... Which way should we venture?

Song Ren:
How about this? I’ll go left, and Song Yong, you go straight.

Song Yong:
Can do!

Yang Jin:
And me?

Song Ren:
See if you can get lost.

Yang Jin:
A good joke, matey! A pirate such as me can never get lost in a mere cave.

Song Ren:
I can dream, can’t I?

The group splits in half...

Song Yong:
Hmm, I wonder if our guy is down this way...

Bump!

Song Yong:
What was that? Someone down there? Hello?

Li Ru:
Hmm, what? Who are you?

Song Yong:
Hey, I know you! You’re Li Ru, from Dong Zhuo’s force, right? What are you doing in here?

Li Ru:
I’ve been on the run for a while. This crazy guy’s been tailing me for some reason, and I’m trying to hide. I figured this’d be a good place to hide, right?

Song Yong:
Makes sense, I suppose.

Li Ru:
But there was a cave-in in here the other day, which blocked off part of the cave. I’ve been wandering around in the dark for a while...

Song Yong:
I don’t suppose you’re the guy I’m looking for? The spy I’m supposed to meet?

Li Ru:
I don’t know what you’re talking about, but there was another guy I saw in here before that cave-in. Try talking to him.

Song Yong:
Alright, see you later!

Meanwhile...

Song Ren:
Walking around in yet another cave. I need to take a vacation after this one... Now, where is this guy?

Mystery Man:
Hey, you there! What are you doing in here?

Song Ren:
What? Oh, you must be the guy I’m looking for.

Mystery Man:
"Guy you’re looking for"? What are you talking about?

Song Ren:
Are you the spy I’m supposed to meet?

Mystery Man:
Spy? I’m just a... Actually, yes, that’s right. I’m the spy.

Song Ren:
You don’t exactly look like a spy.

Mystery Man:
Yeah, well, how many spies have you met before, kid?

Song Ren:
Sure, whatever. Now, what’s the big secret to defeating Yuan Shao?

Mystery Man:
Beat Yuan Shao, eh? Well... It’s not going to be easy. If you want to pull it off, I’m going to need lots of gold and, er... what’s this sheet say... "powder" to help you do it.

Song Ren:
This sounds like a pretty shady deal. And what’s with that paper?

Mystery Man:
Shady deals is how we do, kid. The paper helps me remember what I need for the, er, big plan. If you want my help, you better go get the goods.

Song Ren:
Fine, fine. As long as I can get out of this cave. I’ll be back.

Song Ren leaves back towards the exit.

Mystery Man:
Not the sharpest knife in the set, is he? Heh, I don’t even have to rob anyone this time. Just gotta sit tight and wait for him to come back with the stuff.

Near the exit...

Song Yong:
Oh, Bro, you’re back. Did you find the spy?

Song Ren:
More or less. We’re going to need to get some more powder for this one.

Song Yong:
You know, doesn’t it seem like powder is the answer to a lot of our problems?

Song Ren:
I’m willing to mark that down as a coincidence. By the way, where did Yang Jin go?

Song Yong:
I don’t know, he was here just a second ago...

Li Ru:
OH HEAVEN IT’S HIM AGAIN! RUN AWAY!!! *zoom*

Song Ren & Song Yong:
...

Yang Jin:
Would ye believe it, mates? I found me old Hide & Seek partner in this cave! What be the odds of that, eh?

Song Ren:
Let’s get out of here. I have the urge to go kill something.

more to come... no really, I swear...

 

Emperor:
Dear Cao Cao, please come and rescue me from Liu Bei. I know I said some bad things about you, but Liu Bei is much worse. He always neglects me, half the time he forgets who I am, and I never get the respect I as Emperor deserve. The worst part is when he forces me to watch old Sailor Moon episodes with him.

Liu Bei:
Emperor, get in here! You’re missing the transformation sequence!

Emperor:
I have to go. Love, Xian.

Next: Coming Soon...

Destiny of an Emperor Parody is Copyright © 2006, Taishi Ci 2.0. All rights reserved.

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March 7, 2014