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Fate of a Rebel, A Destiny of an Emperor Parody

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A Destiny of an Emperor parody by Taishi Ci 2.0. Follow Liu Bei, brothers Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, and his band of dysfunctional followers including Song Yong, Song Ren, and Huo Hu, master of ‘powders’, as they battle the other warlords of China to restore the Han Dynasty.

Scene 2: Attack on Qingzhou

Liu Bei reaches Qingzhou castle.

Zhang Liang:
Ha, ha, ha. You insolent fool. You think you can threaten us with such a small force? We’ll crush you in one breath.

Liu Bei:
Alright guys, let’s do this the way we planned. Me, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei will attack, while Mi Zhe and Song Ren use Lian Huo.

Mi Zhe:
But boss, we don’t know Lian Huo yet.

Liu Bei:
What? Why not?

Mi Zhe:
We haven’t leveled up yet. You only fought one battle.

Liu Bei:
Oh. Ok, backup plan. We’re going to form two teams. Team A will consist of me, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Mi Zhe, and Song Ren. Team B will be Song Yong. Now, Team B’s job is to defeat all the enemies, while Team A stands over there relaxing. Everybody, go!

Song Yong:
Hey now, I don’t think--

Everybody:
Good luck, Song Yong!

Song Yong:
Well damn.

Song Yong manages to kill all of the enemies, but passes out from stress.

Zhang Fei:
Wow, he did it. Ok, Song Ren, find someplace to dump him while we loot the city.

Song Ren:
Oh sure, make the generic officer do all the dirty work. I better find an inn or something. This fellow here looks helpful. Hey buddy, where’s the inn?

Ma Yuan Yi:
Hey, boy! I’m Ma Yuan Yi. If you are foolish enough to attack the Yellow Scarves, you will find your impertinence very costly. Go ahead! Attack!

Song Ren:
No one said anything about attacking. I just want to find the inn.

Ma Yuan Yi:
You’re...you’re not going to attack me?

Song Ren:
No. No I’m not.

Ma Yuan Yi:
Not even a punch?

Song Ren:
Ok, fine. If you don’t tell me where the inn is, then I will beat you up harder than if you do tell me. How’s that?

Ma Yuan Yi shows him where the inn is. Song Ren throws a single weak punch.

Ma Yuan Yi:
I admit, you have bested me. Let me live and I will give you some information. Go south-west and you will find Mt. Da Xing, the citadel of the Yellow Scarves. Zhang Bao and his rebels are there.

Song Ren:
Um...thanks? I didn’t really need to know anything except where the inn is.

Meanwhile...

Zhang Fei:
Hey, another house to rob. Time to check the pots!

Chen Gui:
Look, Chen Deng, they defeated the Yellow Turbans here. They must be looking out for the people.

Chen Deng:
And the fact that they’re robbing everyone in town blind does nothing to prove otherwise to you?

Chen Gui:
Nope. In fact, I think you should join them.

Liu Bei:
Hrmm? Someone wants to join us?

Chen Deng:
No, no one like that around here.

Chen Gui:
Ahem... I hear you are raising troops to destroy the Yellow Scarves. My son Chen Deng is a martial arts master--

Chen Deng:
Except, you know, not, since I am clearly a mage of some type.

Chen Gui:
...Allow him to join you and you will never regret it.

Liu Bei:
You bet he can join!

Liu Bei pulls out a long list and makes a mark on it near the top.

Liu Bei:
That’s four generals down, and only 147 more to go! Gotta recuit them all!

Chen Deng:
My Heaven. I think I’m going to kill myself.

Mi Zhe:
Get in line.

Everyone regroups at the inn.

Liu Bei:
Ok men, what’s our next plan?

Guan Yu:
I found some bits of string. I thought we might occupy ourselves with that.

Song Ren:
Some crazy guy told me where the rest of the Yellow Turbans are. Maybe we should go kill them.

Liu Bei:
Let’s take a vote. What do you guys want to do?

Zhang Fei:
Bits of string!

Others:
Kill the Turbans!

Zhang Fei:
You guys are no fun, you know that?

Liu Bei:
Turbans it is. Wake up Song Yong and we’ll move out. Now, Song Ren, which way is Mt. Da Xing?

Song Ren:
Eh? Oh, I, uh, forgot to write it down. But come on, it’s a mountain. How hard can it be to find one of those?

Several hours later...

Everyone:
DAMN IT SONG REN!

Next: 3: Attack on Mt. Da Xing

Destiny of an Emperor Parody is Copyright © 2006, Taishi Ci 2.0. All rights reserved.

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March 7, 2014